A day of mixed feelings...

Yesterday,happened to be both Nithya and my birthday.Yes, you read that right, we do share a common birthday and I promise you, that is coincidental!

It was a day of mixed feelings.The sheer number of wishes were so comforting.I have through what happened to us, discovered a whole lot of 'young' friends who have impressed me most. Most of them are Akhil's friends. The sheer sensitivity they display at their age is truly remarkable.I was touched by their warmth.From comments to 'Just have a great day,Akhil would have wanted it that way!' to a quiet wish.I am proud of each one of them.

That brings me to my mood swings,last year we had a special gift from Akhil.
He surprised us, by doing something very special,he booked tickets to a movie and dinner in a fine dine restaurant, that was all on him! He stayed back home to take care of his grand parents and his sister,not forgetting to have a party of their own, when we were out.
He was truly a special child!

Nithya and me did do a quiet lunch out, but I couldn't forget the last birthday, however much I tried, I knew I was irritable and edgy!

On another note, some good,we had filed a PIL form the Beyond Carlton Trust and the High Court issued notices to various parties to comply with enforcing laws and rules that exist. Hope this leads somewhere and we can make a small effort to prevent another family of going through what we have been through!

I spotted a quote on my friends Facebook status that was worth pondering over:
"There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."
This is tough learning.

So, a mixed day.
Thanks again for the warm wishes!

Another month rolls by...

It has been a quiet month and our pain is no less.
It won't be long before it is a year since the tragedy.We still believe, things have been unfair to us and so do, I am sure all others, who lost someone suddenly!
Besides the effort, that one, has put in, to channel our minds into something more positive like 'Beyond Carlton' there is also an effort to understand life and our end in greater detail.Issues to do with fate,karma and sometimes the need to explore more about why this happened to us,does get us to read and talk to others. Not sure, we have got any answers as yet!
Yesterday, I stumbled upon a captivating speech by Steve Jobs of Apple and he talks about how he came close to death, due to cancer.In his speech he makes a very profound statement " Death is likely the single best invention of Life." Worth considering?
(I have posted this speech on my Facebook page,in case, you feel like checking it out!)
Sometimes I get frustrated at the slow pace of justice and action and eventually resign myself to believing it is beyond me! I then kick myself to go back to moving the machinery,examining options and even try and get colleagues at Beyond Carlton to at least keep it alive! I must say, sometime it works and sometimes it doesn't!
Many things remind us of Akhil, like yesterday, while waiting at a doctor's, for an appointment, another young boy was pushing his Mom to speak softly on a call and ask the doc some specific questions for him.I turned my head to see them and it almost felt Akhil was around with his Mom.
Guess, these things will be around for a long time and I hope things will slowly settle for us!

Missed you on Diwali!!!

I remember our last DIWALI when Akhil was in his element.He had special fireworks that Sriram, a dear friend and colleague had given him. These were apparently left overs from IPL. He was so excited with them that he even called Sriram to check whether he had more.We had cousins over with their kids and Akhil was the 'big brother' around blowing these gorgeous huge rockets that lit the sky and left stars behind, leaving his little cousins in awe.

Today,the small effort that we put together from Beyond Carlton on a 'fire safe Diwali' message, left me with a lot of satisfaction.
Could we have done it better, of course we could? What was inspirational was the immediate willingness of various folks to work-in, which was most gratifying. From Nitin at Beyond Carlton to Radio Indigo who ran capsules to Bilat at Ogilvy who designed posters and leaflets to Akhil's friends who went around the city from cracker shops to restaurants to clubs,spreading the message. Stuff like this, with various people volunteering,almost seems therapeutic and in a way seems to reduce our pain.

At home, as expected,we did not celebrate Diwali,like we did,all these years.Friends and family were sensitive to our pain and we didn't have the calls in the morning wishing us.No sweets came home nor did we feel like sending any.The evening was tough and Arpita, Akhil's sister defined the evening, when she said, she did not want even a candle lit, when I suggested the same.Coming from someone like her, with her challenges, in a way sums up our day yesterday!

We looked up into the sky, as the fireworks showered stars above and wondered which star he was and just hope, he is safe up there!
Missed you Akhil!

10.10.10 happy birthday Akhil!

Yesterday, 10.10.10 was Akhil's 24th birthday.Something he looked forward to and had spoken to us about.Guess, because this date would come once in a while and it made it special for him.
We felt, we should 'celebrate' his birthday, much like he would have done. So, we had a bunch of his school and college friends over.They remembered, the strange things they did together, the pranks they played and in a way expressed, in their own way, their happy moments together. I also felt, each of them wanted us to smile and be happy this day!
Nithya and me actually spoke, after they left and wondered, if we as 20year olds, actually were so compassionate and caring as these kids showed us.To take time off, on a Sunday and bring cheer to our home was truly admirable.
Another young friend whom we now, have the privilege to meet,has written a beautiful piece.
Click on this link:http://sobriquetforme.blogspot.com/2010/10/10-10-10.html

Thank you all for making us feel, he was around and bringing us cheer!

If any of you do remember Akhil, in any way on this special day, do leave a comment.

Feel the absence and the pain is severe

I quote from an anonymous comment on an earlier post of mine --that time, will help us, overcome the absence but the pain will live on forever.This was, from someone who had lost their son 10years ago, it must be true.
Another month passes and right now, both the absence and pain is still severe.

Yesterday, Nithya and me along with my sister, who is visiting, went over to Carlton Towers and said a silent prayer. It is still quite surreal,although the glasses have been replaced and signs of activity exist.It was almost the exact time of the accident, that we were there. 7 months ago and even now, we wonder what must have gone through the folks that day. We still debate how it could have happened,that it is unlikely Akhil would have taken a severe step.

It is a long road ahead and not all of what is ahead is clear!
The 7 months have also told us, that life for sure, is uncertain and each of us should try and live our life to the fullest.
Do everything you aways wanted to do,don't keep putting it aside saying you are young or have a long life ahead.If you do live long, you are lucky.

Sometimes,we wonder, that the support around us, is slowly moving away,but I pause and say, it only has to be that way, for us to get back to our feet.

We also have felt, more than ever, the blessing of a beautiful daughter, who is 'special' in all ways and her recent constant expression that, she is now here for us, makes our eyes swell and also makes life worth living for her.She is truly an amazing child!

So while we let time pass,right now,we hope that Akhil's absence and the pain reduces slowly!

Time waits for no one...

Can't believe today is 6 months since we lost Akhil. It seems like yesterday.

At about this moment he had called to speak to us for the last time... as always updating us on his day and what was held out for the rest of the day.I wish we or he knew what was in store and maybe,maybe we would have been able to change things.
Well,looking back, how you wish you can change the way the world works.But, that is not to be.

Today,as Nithya and me went on a private visit to remember Akhil at a temple and then to feed a meal to some school kids,little did I realize that our car would take the flyover that got us bang in front of Carlton Towers.Noticed the broken glasses have been replaced but it still seems to have a cold and desolate feel. Not sure, it is only we, who feel that way?

Well, the way other families have coped with this tragedy are with strength and grace.Today's Hindu has carried many stories on the accident and the feature is well compiled, I thought I will attach that link.I have posted the other links on the Beyond Carlton face book group for those who may want to read more.

6months on, the accident so far,still gets media cover.

Our effort at getting justice and our striving to create a more fire safe Bangalore continues.

Meanwhile, I am sure all families must be tracing back to this day 6 months ago...our lives have changed forever!

5 months on, its tough to understand...

Time, they tell us is a healer, but these 5 months have been truly, a challenge.
Sometimes, I wonder,if it is getting better at all...

It is tough for parents who have lost a child tragically, to understand:

.why he was snatched away when he was just stepping out of our shadows?
.why are we so reckless with others lives?
.why our public safety systems do not ensure safety of lives?
.why it takes forever to get justice?
.why we put such a low value to the cost of a young life/ a life?
.why all the prayers his Mom does for the family's safety, did not work that day?
.why destiny,as some say, has a cruel turn for some?
.why he will not be there in the years ahead, when we possibly need him most?
.why all the years of grooming his character has gone waste?
.why the first experience of death in the immediate family, can be so traumatic?
.why his younger sister,with all her challenges, has to now comfort us that she is there for us?
.why she can't understand why this happened to us?
.why she needs to go through the trauma of missing her buddy and friend?

It's tough for parents who have brought up a child for 23 years to understand
We will possibly never have an answer to some or more of these.

Akhil, I hope you are in peace, wherever you are!
Miss you,take care...

One more small step...

Yesterday, Beyond Carlton took one more tiny step, we registered it as a charitable trust. Its over 4 months now, and it was one more step to formalise this people's initiative.

Beyond Carlton, would work to two charters-one to get justice to the families who lost someone and for the injured.Secondly, to mobilise public thought and awareness to fire safety.

What was a pleasant surprise yesterday,was our registration took all of an hour[if I leave the power cut out!] and we walked out with the trust registered. Truly impressive use of technology. That was a reflection of great e-governance.

Now ,the work really begins for us at Beyond Carlton. The formal banner should give us more credibility and recognition.

We do have some interesting plans ahead,stay tuned...

Its over 100 days since Akhil left us,time seems to be whizzing past us, but we cannot forget every moment with him.I spotted this touching piece Nithya had written quietly, which is so like her. I thought it may touch you too, also, it would tell you more about our Akhil.
Read on...

My Son, God’s gift to us!
It was the year 2000.
Everyone, world over, seemed excited as well as apprehensive as it was the dawn of a new millennium!
At home, it was a totally different atmosphere, there was worry all over, as I was diagnosed with cancer and understandably it was dull and sullen. My husband and in-laws were especially worried as to how we would manage our daughter who was a ‘special child’ with different abilities.
The one who seemed to put a brave front and had a positive attitude was my son, Akhil. He was around 13 years. He was so positive and encouraging and not once did he show me, that it was difficult to manage without my help, his sister who was 3 years his junior. He just took over caring for her needs and looking after her, when I was away for long durations at the hospital.
He would help with feeding her, play with her, watch her favourite TV programs with her. It was as though, he had suddenly grown up the day I needed help. He just pitched in, as though that is what, he was meant to do.
I still remember, when I was undergoing chemo in the hospital, he would come to the hospital with my lunch on some days. Chemotherapy, can make you feel nauseated and pretty unwell. He would sit patiently next to me and coax me to have at least a little bit to eat; he would literally feed me from the plate. If I refused, he would say, Mom, you have to get well soon for me, you can’t leave me, and you are my best friend! You are everything to me and the one who understands me most!
He had also done two degrees in Reiki and he would sit patiently next to me and provide me with his healing. I can never ever forget, his love and patience!
3 months, back, my son Akhil lost his life in the Carlton Towers fire tragedy for no fault of his. He was just twenty three!
He surely beat me to it!
What I think he taught me, was to have courage, patience, to give love and not expect anything back.
I miss you very much Akhil.
Rest in Peace!

NITHYA UDAY

Life's different, 3 months on...

Almost 3 months since we lost Akhil and things are so different.
Two days ago,I was speaking at a workshop for writing, as a contributor to the Chicken Soup series and as I spoke,I realised things have changed so much in 3 months.
Over three months ago...
Did I know I would reach out to families, I didn't know, who were in shock and trauma? NO!
Did I know I would be reaching out to them and like minded folks to set up Beyond Carlton? NO!
Did I know I would be able to work on my vision of giving back to society? NO!
Did I know that I would be meeting the Police Commissioner and the CM ever? NO!
Did I know I would ever write? NO!
Did I know I would have old friends whom I had lost contact for years,who would reconnect and support my cause? NO!
Did I know the media would be interested in what I was saying?NO!
Did I know there would be so many new friends[some much younger than me] I would make? NO!
Did I know I would be writing for the Chicken Soup series? NO!

As I was saying to someone, there is surely good out of the bad here!

The world has well meaning people in abundance.

However,a question a media person asked me,left me a little dumbfounded:
Where do I get the strength to do, what I am trying to do?
My answer was,I don't know!

23rd Feb., has been a life changing moment for sure!

10 weeks on...

Today is 10 weeks since the incident. Each day is still as bad the day it happened.Sometimes, I almost feel that it is untrue and he may just return.Guess, its wishful thinking!
Last Tuesday, we went to meet the CM finally and we did gain some traction on the investigation and compensation. I am hoping I can be of some help to some of the families.Our meeting with the Namma Bengaluru Foundation was also good and they have offered to get us connected to one of their lawyers.
This is a long journey not a simple battle for justice.I guess what will differentiate the men from the boys would be the staying power in this long race.

We missed Akhil for Mother's day, but a friend ensured Arpita didn't miss her brother this time and made sure a gift was there.These little touches make life worthwhile isn't it?Another gift from Akhil's close friend surely made Nithya feel good!

Like I said, in my last post, out of this adversity of ours has come a discovery of good around.We hope this stays with us forever as it provides us strength to take each step.

Two months on...there is good around!

It is now two months since it happened. Its been very different!
On the one hand the loss of a loved one,is still hurting badly,on the other,the sheer number of people who have reached out to Nithya and me have made us believe the world has a lot of good people too!
From Akhil's friends, to some of my own, who have joined our cause, to people whom we have got to know, after this tragedy.To us, this is so gratifying!
My effort with Beyond Carlton too has begun to take better shape, we did a few nice things-23rd happened to be Surabhi Joshi's[one of the unfortunate who lost her life] birthday and we decided to plant a sapling in her memory.This has led us to believe that we need to cleberate all the 8 others,who are no longer with us in some manner like this.
Yesterday,was the start of our awareness campaign and it was again so nice to see the support we got.Support from the Forum Mall,Ogilvy and various other suppliers.
We surely must be touching people!
This makes me feel that out of our adversity we are slowly carving out some good!
Thank you all, you are making our journey a lot smoother!

Picking the pieces?

Over 5 weeks and feeling a little down.Pardon me for that!
It is getting tougher rather than easier without Akhil.
I think it is, due to fewer folks around us and more time to ourselves now.

Small things hurt.
Like, deleting his phone number from the favourites on my phone, took me 5 weeks.Yesterday,that act got me so emotional.

All I keep saying to Nithya even now,is 'I still can't believe it'.
Our challenge is,that there wasn't any survivor from this tragedy, who was with him.
So, there are a lot of unanswered questions.Someone, who could have told us what happened in the last hour of the event.We are just not able to piece the facts together to get closure.
This is quite unlike any other accident in one way.

Will we get the answers ever? I don't know!
Our effort to get on with our lives, is an attempt, sometimes, to runaway from the reality,strange isn't it?

Akhil had his whole life ahead,his career,his wanting to achieve things for himself and for his family.We suddenly realise, we will not just have a son anymore,we will not have another daughter who would have been his wife,no grandchildren's chatter in the house,besides, of course,for me ,no one to talk to, on the latest gizmos and cars.

Take a look at this beautiful video created by the 'Beyond Carlton' team,it sums up my mood...
Akhil, you're gone too soon!

Gone Too Soon

Thank you to Carlton Braganza for singing at the Carlton Towers memorial.Couldn't be a better expression of our feelings for Akhil now:

Gone Too Soon

Like a comet
Blazing 'cross the evening sky
Gone too soon

Like a rainbow
Fading in the twinkling of an eye
Gone too soon

Shiny and sparkly
And splendidly bright
Here one day
Gone one night

Like the loss of sunlight
On a cloudy afternoon
Gone too soon

Like a castle
Built upon a sandy beach
Gone too soon

Like a perfect flower
That is just beyond your reach
Gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day
Gone one night

Like a sunset
Dying with the rising of the moon
Gone too soon
Gone too soon

Thanks also to Michael Jackson for a great rendition!

One month on...

Yesterday was one month,since Akhil moved on.Moved on?Is that right?

Mixed feelings of how the day went!

Memories of events that happened that day a month ago,thoughts of what he did before he left for work,the call he made to us that afternoon and what he may been through in those moments, filled us.

But, what was most satisfying for me, was that I was able to reach out to 8 of the 9 families who were in exactly our situation and bring them together for a memorial last evening at Carlton Towers.Not the easiest place to visit.The grief for all of us is neither less nor more.Some, are maybe a wee bit stronger and some need a hand.I am hoping I can continue to reach out to them and share their grief too!

The inter faith ceremony was touching.Brilliantly handled by my friends and the 'beyond carlton' group.A big thank you from all of us!The large numbers who turned up and also the support from various quarters is my hope!

Its also been a strange last two days, where I needed to face the media,I was unclear if I could manage that,but I felt I had no choice but to do it,if I wanted to propagate the 'Beyond Carlton' initiative. Not sure, how I performed though! Was worried I may lose my composure!

In the last month,we have had a lot of folks,telling me we were an inspiration in the way we were managing the situation,honestly, what's the choice we have? Become a recluse is an option, but what good does it serve?

Its also a month I realise since I began this blog, and I never realised there would be so many out there, whom I seemed to have touched.From Akhil's friends, to our friends, to priests, to folks in government, to media. I am glad I am saying something sensible!Akhil, thank you buddy, for letting me find a way to express myself.

Lastly, a bit of pride,the 'Beyond Carlton' initative is picking up pace like I never imagined a month ago.600 + members on FB and support from respected citizens,organisations,police,government.Nice feeling too at the end of one month!

So, a lots happened in 30 days,its a long journey ahead!

Beyond Carlton...gathering steam!

We approach the first month of this tragedy and I am sure like Nithya and me other families have had mixed emotions over these weeks.We both, maybe a little stronger than some,only because we may have taken a few more knocks in life.But, deep inside,it hurts!
I sometime wonder,where I am getting the strength to get 'Beyond Carlton' to happen!
I must say it is friends and family who are around,lending a hand and a shoulder.Like, this friend,who's not directly affected,but who is so passionate about the cause. She goads us,tells me whom to call,takes on roles selflessly and sometimes gets my 'auto pilot' mode to do things which I should be doing. She has come as God's gift to 'Beyond Carlton'.
Are there more of her around?
'Beyond Carlton' has been reaching some tiny milestones...the group is gathering momentum on Facebook and if you aren't there yet,do become a member.The huge support we are getting from various quarters is assuring, be it the police force,some respected NGO's and sports bodies.Stay tuned over the next few days, to know more on 'Beyond Carlton'
My thanks to all who are helping us reduce the pain,but I do believe my Akhil, would want me to embark on this long journey!

Beyond Carlton...3 weeks later

3weeks to date and things seem like yesterday.It is so unbelievable!
We still have to come to terms with it.Sometimes, we have to remind ourselves, that Akhil is not around for now and forever.At times in the day, it is tough, especially his daily post lunch call to both Nithya and me or late evening where we wait for him to come home for dinner. We are hoping we get the strength to move on...

I managed to reach out to 3 other families who also lost someone dear.It was so odd to sit together and try and pick information to piece together and frame a reason on what could have happened to each of our folks we lost.It is so sad we need to try and get the reasons from each other.Committees set up may take forever in India, as we know and we may never have all the answers.But,I guess there is comfort in hearing each other.

I also managed to reach some injured and the anger and pain is palpable.They too seem to believe in my thought, of wanting to get accountability and awareness for the future.This is a long haul but is there an option? Maybe to just let it pass?

With others support, we now have a common banner 'Beyond Carlton'.The response has been extremely encouraging.If you believe in fixing accountability for this tragedy and also in the long term want to create awareness and education to prevent another Carlton,do join the Face book group or express your feeling on twitter.

Hoping this is one way,I can turn our adversity into something more productive. Your thoughts???

Uday

Carlton Towers and beyond...

Its two weeks to date, since I lost my son,possibly one of the youngest to have succumbed and I can barely muster courage to think beyond.
But, I think we all need to!
Our minds have shifted from grief,anger,sorrow to questions about what really happened that day.I feel I can let time pass and hope we just get on with our lives or attempt to do something about it.
It is this need, that has got me thinking on whether to channel these feelings to a more constructive role.
.I wonder if the 8 other families who lost a dear one in this tragedy, feel the same.
.What about the many injured(I have yet to meet any of them!)what is going through their minds?Would they like to speak about it?
.Do we need to keep this alive, to ensure many more Carlton's can be prevented?There are many more 'Carlton Towers' on the same road, in our city and across India.
.There is a huge bureaucracy and system we are up against,is it worth our while?
.Can we really make a difference?
I would like to know what you think and especially, the thoughts of those who were injured in this accident.If any of you know any others who may be interested,please forward this blog post.

Do we move beyond...?

Uday
PS-If you feel you'd rather respond by an email,feel free to mail: beyondcarlton@gmail.com

I remember...

23rd Feb.10, changed our world.Our little son Akhil, was consumed at The Carlton Towers Bangalore,tragedy.
Its 4am on 25th Feb.and I felt I should share what I remember of Akhil, a son who is no longer there for me and Nithya but will not be erased from our lives and memory in our lifetime.
I remember...

• A baby whom I used to rock to sleep
• Dropping him on his first day at pre school and the teacher called Nithya to say,she didn't know whether to attend to the dad or son who both wept to go to school.
• His passing out of Frank Anthony school and me telling him later that maybe I should have put him in a better school.
  
• His joining NJC for his pre university and his principal calling me to say he was a tough kid to handle,and Akhil telling me,he knew more than his computer teacher did
• His passing out of Christ and his pride in his college.He told me he felt a good college made a huge difference to his friends and his opportunities.
  
• His stint with Kotak and his later confession that it taught him so much in sales-targets,talking to clients and convincing them
• His days at Chesapeake and his ambition to drive the place to a different pace.
• His calls after lunch every day and his line ..'Hmmm, what's up?"
• His telling me on 23rd Feb morning, that he thought I needed to improve the layout my first blog from my company and I did.
  
• Dad don't worry, I'll get you that BMW
• Dad that's where our car lot needs to be, for our Lamborghini and Ferrari's,as we embarked on our small construction for our house recently.
• Why,Dad, can't I think big, when I chided him to have his feet on the ground.
  

I write this 36 hours after he left us and I am not sure I can sustain this trail for long, but I know others who mattered have as special memories of my Akhil...so please add to this and share this blog with people whom you think, may want to continue with I remember...